*Day 67 of being the FIANCE of Martel Johnson:
Today is not a good look for me in that I didn't make it to church today and I woke up way later than I wanted to................but there is an explanation for it all an explanation that makes me start to weld up with tears all over again.
Yesterday, I went to my mama's house to visit my little sister Sydney, who called me earlier to let me know, that my 2nd oldest sister Raisa, was coming to visit with my 2nd new nephew Matthew. Well, when she sent me the text, I had my reservations, but I pulled up all of my energy and might and got in my car and then I took off to my mama's house.
Earlier last week, my discipler gave me a CHALLENGE to tackle the conflict within my family that I had been dealing with lately. A little specifics from that conversation included: 1. I should get my family together for a family meeting; 2. I should express to my family the issues that are weighting my heart down; 3. I should apologize for being the mediator for the longest in my family and to express my new boundaries that I will not bring into my future marriage with Martel.
As I was heading to my mama's house, I was thinking about that CHALLENGE and I had already determined in my mind that the challenge will never go through without even giving faith to believe that God can change my family an opportunity. Before I could let those evil thoughts creep in, I prayed deeply and quickly for the Lord to quiet my spirit and fill me with Romans 12:17-19 (New International Version):
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[b] says the Lord.
My little sister answered the door, and I walked in realizing that no one was home except for the both of us. We sat in her room and caught up on our days and then I asked my sister when my nephew was about to come over. She reminded me of her arrival, and so I kept contemplating how everything would turn out once my mom, my sisters, and my brothers would all arrive in the home so that I could actually attempt the CHALLENGE.
From the looks of things, it didn't look like everyone would end up in the same room. So, my sister let me know that my mom needed a ride from the laundry mat to the house. So, I got in my car and drove to get her. When I arrived to the laundry mat, I walked in and I saw my mama. I quietly asked the Lord to give me an opportunity to talk with her. I asked her was she ready to leave and she said that she wasn't so I started to talk to my mom about some of the things that were on my heart. The conversation started by me being patient with my mom to finally share with her the burdens on my heart. It seemed like she really wanted to hear what I had to say, but she just kept interrupting me and she refused to really hear my heart, but I relented to default to anger, I continued to share the hard stuff. I actually felt a sense of confidence come over me, in that, I have never really been able to communicate with my mom, over the course of my whole life, anything that ever bothered me, but it seemed that this time would actually be different.
I shared with her to stop making assumptions that she would not be in my wedding because she never actually heard from my own mouth that she would not be in my wedding, but she kept telling my sisters that I would not have her in my wedding. I also shared with her that I desire from now on to do whatever it takes to reconcil our relationship in spite of all of the resentment that I held against her in the past. Futhermore, I honestly shared with her that because we do not have the closest relationship that she could not expect me to just be jumping for joy to include her in my wedding, but because I love my mother and I would never disrespect her, I would never not include her in my wedding. However, my mom was relentless in her anger towards me about having the audacity to share my heart with her and then the words came out: 'Juzanne, I am not going to act like every thing is ok, and I'm not going let you come in here and tell me all of this. I want you to know that you can have your wedding because I WILL NOT BE THERE, and you have a nice life because I don't give a rats a**!!!' So, there it was and then it was said and for a moment my life just stopped..........and I think that I could hear my heart crumbling on the inside. Out of shock, I tried my best to keep my cool and I told my mother that she is the one who made that decision and that I still care about her and that I still love her and that all I wanted to do was to get between the massive wall between us and share my heart even in the midst of her yelling. And lastly, I said God bless her and I left the laundry mat hurt beyond the air that I could breathe!!!!!! I drove back to my mama's house and cried in front of my little sister and then I told her that I love her and to not be mad if mama tries to keep her from seeing me and that she is still in my wedding. My little sister held me for a moment and told me that everything will be ok and to not worry, she was utterly shocked as well.
I got back in my car, cried so sorrowfully, and then I started shouting and throwing up prayers to my Heavenly Father. I met up with Martel as soon as I left my mother's home. I walked up to him and then I just fell into his arms crying so bad that I felt my stomach trying to come out of me! Martel comforted me through my excruciating tears and then he sweetly and lovingly shared the Gospel with me reminding me that as long as I continue to love my family above the evil they produce the Lord will continue to uphold me throughout everything. He also told me that he will always support, protect, and stand behind me 100% no matter what happens in my life, especially when it comes to the hurtful ways of my family. My discipler also left the sweetest voicemail on my phone. And one of my bestest friend's in St. Louis shared with me that we cannot control our family's reactions or responses, but we can continue to give all of the glory to the Lord Jesus Christ because these situations are ultimately opportunities to continue to draw closer to the Lord God Almighty and to our soon to be spouse=)
I am still shaken from this episode, but I am going to trust the Lord on this one because I have known for the longest that I can't change my family, but I can change how I choose to handle my family. I know one thing that I will do, I will always choose: LOVE. I will leave you all with this
Psalm 34:17-20 (English Standard Version)
'When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken'
PLEASE 'PRAY' FOR ME DEEPLY, I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANKS FOR READING=)
